Collin Moulton Chicken Stupid • Part 2 | LOLflix

Collin Moulton Chicken Stupid • Part 2 | LOLflix


MY MOTHER TAUGHT US WRONG SAYINGS. SHE WOULD SAY SAYINGS, ONLY SHE DIDN’T PAY ATTENTION TO DETAILS, SO SHE’D DO ‘EM WRONG AND THEN I’D QUOTE HER LATER AND LOOK LIKE AN ASSHOLE, ‘CAUSE NO ONE SAYS IT THAT WAY. SHE’D SAY STUFF LIKE, IT’S LIKE I TELL YOU SOMETHING, IT JUST GOES IN ONE EAR. LIKE, I THINK THERE’S MORE I KNOW THERE’S MORE, ASSHOLE, BECAUSE IF YOU DON’T DO YOUR CHORES, THE EARLY WORM EATS BIRDS IN THE SUNSHINE WHEN THERE’S HAYSTACKS TO BE MADE, AND THAT’S HOW YOU LOSE NEEDLES AND GET THE MAD COW. YOU’RE GONNA DIE IF YOU DON’T DO YOUR CHORES. NOW SHE’S A DRUNK. NOW SHE JUST DRINKS A LOT. SHE DRINKS VODKA. THAT’S HER CHOICE, RIGHT? YOU KNOW, PEOPLE GET A LOT OF THEY GET A JACKET FROM SMOKING A LOT OF MARLBOROS? THEY GET A MARLBORO JACKET. MY MOTHER HAS A SMIRNOFF MUUMUU. DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH VODKA YOU HAVE TO DRINK? THAT IS A LOT OF MATERIAL. SHE WANTS TO BE AN ONSTAR OPERATOR. NO SHIT, HER FRIEND DOES IT. AND SHE’S LIKE, I COULD DO IT FROM HOME, AND I’M LIKE, REALLY? A DRUNKEN, MISSPOKEN, SARCASTIC ONSTAR OPERATOR? WOW, BRING IT ON. BEEP. ONSTAR, I RAN OUT OF GAS. FN REALLY? DID YOU NOT KNOW YOU WERE GOING SOMEWHERE? ‘CAUSE AA GAS CAN IN THE HAND IS BETTER THAN HITCHHIKING IN THE BUSHES, UH… WE’RE BREAKING UP. IS TUESDAY GOOD FOR YOU? MY MOTHER AND FATHER HAVE REACHED THAT AGE WHERE THEY ARE GOING INTO ASSISTED LIVING. THEY HAVEN’T SPOKEN TO EACH OTHER IN 27 YEARS, AND I’M SUPPOSED TO HELP THEM BOTH GO INTO ASSISTED LIVING. THAT’S EXPENSIVE SHIT. SO I’M HOLDING OUT, HOPING THE SENILITY WILL KICK IN, THEY’LL LOSE THEIR MEMORY, AND I CAN PUT THEM IN A TWO-BEDROOM APARTMENT TOGETHER AND WATCH THE FIREWORKS. THAT WOULD BE AWESOME. THEY’D PROBABLY LOVE EACH OTHER WITHOUT THE MEMORIES. WE HAVE SO MUCH IN COMMON! YOU HATE YOUR KIDS TOO? HIGH-FIVE, FKR! AHH, MY HIP. 30 YEARS OF HATRED’S GONNA BOIL UP NO MATTER WHAT, WHETHER OR NOT YOU KNOW WHY, THOUGH. I DON’T KNOW WHAT IT IS ABOUT THE WAY YOU PUT AWAY THE DISHES MAKES ME WANT TO KILL YOU WITH A BINGO PEN! OH, YEAH, WELL HOW DO YOU KNOW MY MIDDLE NAME, ASSHOLE? THAT AGE GROUP IS STARTING TO QUESTION STUFF THAT, LIKE, WE TAKE FOR GRANTED. MY FATHER THINKS COMPUTERS ARE A FAD. DON’T WASTE YOUR MONEY, SON. IT’S BULLCHIT. THEY’RE NOT GONNA LAST. HE SENDS LETTERS. WHO SENDS LETTERS? HE SENT A LETTER? SEND AND EMAIL. IT GETS THERE RIGHT NOW. WE HAVE A POST OFFICE THAT MAKES $13 BILLION A YEAR, AND IT’S ONLY FOR OLD, STUBBORN GUYS AND JUNK MAIL PRETTY MUCH. NOBODY SENDS A LETTER. HAVE YOU GOTTEN A LETTER FROM SOMEBODY UNDER 45 RECENTLY? THAT IS THE CREEPIEST FEELING IN THE WORLD. NOTHING GOOD COMES IN A LETTER. IT’S RANSOM NOTES, ANTHRAX, AND OLD, STUBBORN FKRS. THAT’S IT. WE’RE GONNA HAVE TO EXPLAIN TO OUR KIDS WHY WE SIMULTANEOUSLY HAD THE INTERNET WITH EMAIL AND THE POST OFFICE AT THE SAME TIME, AND IT’S NOT GONNA MAKE SENSE TO THEM. OUR GRANDKIDS ARE GONNA BE CONFUSED WHEN WE
TRY TO EXPLAIN THAT. GRANDPA, WHAT WAS PAPER? WELL, IT WAS MADE FROM TREES. WHAT WERE TREES, GRANDPA? IT’S NOT IMPORTANT, SON. WE’VE GOT OXYGEN TANKS NOW. WHAT YOU’D DO IS YOU’D WRITE YOUR LITTLE LETTER ON A PIECE OF PAPER, AND THEN YOU’D FOLD IT UP AND PUT IT INSIDE OF ANOTHER PCE OF PAPER THAT HAD A LITTLE DOOR ON IT. IT WAS CALLED AN ENVELOPE. SO PEOPLE CALLED IT AN AHN-VELOPE. THOSE PEOPLE WERE FNG LUNATICS. AND THEN YOU’D GO DOWN TO A DANGEROUS, UNCOMFORTABLE PLACE AND WAIT AROUND FOR HOURS, UNTIL FINALLY, YOU GOT TO TALK TO AN ANGRY MAN WITH AN INEXPENSIVE HAIRCUT. THAT PERSON WOULD SELL YOU A LITTLE STICKER THAT YOU’D PUT ON YOUR ENVELOPE. THEN YOU’D GIVE IT BACK TO HIM. WHY? WE DON’T KNOW, SON. WE NEVER DID. THEN THAT MAN WOULD TAKE THAT LETTER AND SHOVE IT IN A SLOT IN THE BACK WALL, WHERE THERE WERE MORE ANGRY PEOPLE FROM BAD FAMILIES. THOSE PEOPLE WOULD SORT THROUGH THAT GARBAGE AND PUT IT ON A TRUCK. AND THAT’S WHEN THEY WOULD DELIVER MY LETTER? NO, SON, NOT EVEN CLOSE! THAT’S WHEN THEY WOULD PUT IT ON AN AIRPLANE THAT WOULD TRAVEL HITHER AND YON ACROSS THE COUNTRY, SOMETIMES FOR WEEKS, UNTIL, EVENTUALLY, SOMEONE DISCOVERED IT WAS ON THE WRONG AIRCRAFT. AND THEN THEY’D PUT IT ON THE RIGHT PLANE, AND IT WOULD GO TO THE TOWN NEAR THE ADDRESS YOU HAD ON THE ENVELOPE, AND IT WOULD GO TO THAT POST OFFICE, USUALLY RUN BY AN OLD WOMAN WITH A BEEHIVE HAIRDO AND A BAD MARRIAGE, AND SHE WOULD SORT THROUGH THOSE ENVELOPES, AND THEN SHE’D PUT ‘EM IN CANVAS BAGS AND WAIT AROUND FOR HER MISSHAPEN RELATIVES TO SHOW UP IN BROKEN-DOWN VEHICLES THEY DROVE FROM THE PASSENGER SEAT WITH THEIR LEFT HAND AND FOOT. AND THEY WOULD SLIDE ENVELOPES INTO THE MAILBOXES ALL AROUND THE DIRT ROAD COUNTIES. AND THAT’S WHEN THEY WOULD DELIVER MY LETTER? NO, SON, NOT YET! THAT’S WHEN THEY WOULD MISTAKENLY DELIVER IT TO THE NEIGHBOR OF THE PERSON YOU WANTED IT TO GO TO. AND THAT PERSON, BASED ON HIS RELATIONSHIP WITH HIS NEIGHBOR, WOULD DECIDE WHETHER OR NOT THAT SON OF A BITCH WAS GONNA GET HIS GODDAMN MAIL! I THINK I’VE HEARD OF THE POST OFFICE, GRANDPA. YOU PROBABLY DID, SON. IT WAS A $13 BILLION INDUSTRY. WHY DIDN’T THEY JUST CLICK ‘SEND’ ON THE EMAIL? BECAUSE YOUR GREAT-GRANDFATHER WAS A STUBBORN ASSHOLE. THE ONE THING WE DO KNOW IS THAT EVERY PERSON THAT HELPED TO DELIVER THAT LETTER ALONG THE WAY EVENTUALLY PICKED UP AN AUTOMATIC WEAPON AND SHOT EVERYBODY IN SIGHT. THAT’S WHERE I’VE HEARD OF THEM, GRANDPA. YEAH. I WAS IN A BANK ROBBERY ONCE. THIS IS CRAZY, SPEAKING OF VIOLENT PLACES. I, UH…I WALKED INTO A BANK, AND, UH…AND I’M STANDING NEAR THE BANK, UH, DOOR THE FRONT DOOR OF THE BANK, AND THIS DUDE COMES RUNNING IN, AND, UH… AND AS HE’S RUNNING IN, I NOTICE HE’S GOT A GUN IN HIS HAND AND BILL CLINTON MASK ON. THIS IS NOT MADE UP FOR THE SHOW. BILL CLINTON MASK AND A GUN IN HIS HAND, AND I’M THE ONLY ONE TO SEE HIM. SO, NATURALLY, I THOUGHT, THAT’S A WEIRD WAY TO RUN INTO A BANK. YOU NEVER THINK BANK ROBBERY, RIGHT? NOT ON MY WATCH, BUDDY. AND THEN MY MIND CAUGHT UP TO WHAT WAS HAPPENING, AND I WAS LIKE, HOLY CHIT! THIS GUY’S GONNA ROB US! SO I PEED A LITTLE BIT. THAT’S A TIME MANAGEMENT ISSUE. THEY DON’T LET YOU GO DURING THE ROBBERY. I WATCH TV. AND I TURN TO EVERYBODY, I’M LIKE, YOU GUYS! AND THEY LOOKED AT ME, AND THEN I DIDN’T KNOW WHAT ELSE TO SAY. ALL I COULD THINK OF IS THE MOVIES WHERE THEY SAY, THIS IS A ROBBERY! BUT YOU CAN’T SAY THAT IF YOU’RE IN THE FRONT, ‘CAUSE THEN YOU’RE THE FN’ ROBBER! SO I FROZE AND I KIND OF MOTIONED TO HIM AS HE RAN I GOT THEIR ATTENTION, I WENT, HEY, AND I INTRODUCED HIM. I HOSTED THE BANK ROBBERY, BASICALLY. GIVE IT UP FOR YOUR ROBBER! HE CAME IN WITH A GUN IN HIS HAND AND A BILL CLINTON MASK ON, AND HE GOES, EVERYBODY ON YOUR KNEES! AND NOBODY LAUGHED BUT ME. THE LAST HAIRCUT I GOT WAS IN KANSAS, AND THEY DIAGNOSED ME WITH COWLICKS. I THOUGHT IT WAS JUST ‘CAUSE I WAS IN KANSAS, AND THAT’S WHAT THEY KNOW. BUT IT’S ACTUALLY, IT TURNS OUT, THAT’S WHERE BIG CHUNKS OF YOUR HAIR DON’T EVEN LIKE EACH OTHER. THEY’RE LIKE, SCREW IT. I’M NOT STANDING NEXT TO HIM ANYMORE. HE’S CURLY, I’M STRAIGHT. HE’S BEEN TRYING TO TOUCH ME ALL DAY. GET OFF ME RIGHT NOW. DON’T. NO. DON’T CARE. THEY CALL THAT A COWLICK, LIKE A COW LICKED YOU AND WALKED AWAY AND RUINED YOUR HAIR FOR LIFE LIKE THAT MAKES SENSE. THPPT! MOO! WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT? THAT WAS A COW, DUDE. THEY’LL RUIN YOUR HAIR. EVERYBODY KNOWS THAT. YOU GOTTA STAY OFF THE FENCE LINE. THEY’LL FK YOU UP FOR LIFE. WE HAVE A LOT OF ANIMAL HAIRDO NAMES. WE HAVE COWLICKS, PONYTAILS, PIGTAILS, CORNROWS, GOAT KNOTS. IT’S LIKE A BIG FARM PARTY ON YOUR HEAD, IF YOU THINK ABOUT IT. ARE WE THE ONLY COUNTRY NAMING OUR HAIRDOS AFTER ANIMALS? IS SOMEBODY IN AFRICA RIGHT NOW GOING, HONEY, JUST PUT YOUR HAIR INTO A HIPPO-NIPPLE SO SO WE CAN GO TO DINNER CLICK-NAMAY-CLICK CLICK_NAMAY CLICK_NAMAY CLICK_NAMAY I CAN’T SPEAK KHOISAN, BUT IF I COULD, I WOULD SAY CLICK-POP EVERY CHANCE I GOT. THAT WOULD BE MY FAVORITE WORD. I’D NAME MY KIDS THAT. I’D BE LIKE, THAT’S “N-CLICK-NA RIGHT THERE” I ALWAYS THOUGHT IT’D BE COOL IF ONE OF THOSE GUYS HAD A STUTTER. BA-CANMAY-BA-CLICK-CLICK-NA-NA-NA A-MAN-MA-HEY I GOT PULLED OVER BY A COP WITH A STUTTER. THIS IS A TRUE STORY. THIS REALLY HAPPENED IN REAL LIFE. THE GUY CAME UP TO THE WINDOW, I’M OFFICER P-PA, UM, P-PA PARKS FROM THE SHERIFF’S DEPA-PA…PARTMENT. YOU KNOW WHY I P-P…PULLED YOU OVER THIS EVENING? I WAS LIKE, TO MESS WITH MY HEAD? ARE YOU SERIOUS? HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO NOT GIGGLE AND GO TO PRISON FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE? THAT’S NOT EVEN FAIR. AND HE’S A SHERIFF. HOW DANGEROUS IS THAT? FRE-FRE-FRE-FRE-FRE-FRE-FRE BANG! CHIT! DUDE, TIM SHOT ANOTHER ONE! HE CAN’T GET ‘FREEZE’ OUT IN TIME! THAT CAN’T BE LEGAL. WHAT IF YOU HAD A STUTTER AND GOT PULLED OVER BY THAT COP? YOU KNOW WHY I PUMM, PUMM, PULLED YOU OVER? N-N-NO. DON’T YOU M-M-MAKE FUN OF ME, MOTHER I’M N-N-NOT! THAT’S HOW I TALK! GET ON THE GR GROU! N GROU… THEY’D HAVE TO CHANGE TAPES IN THE DASH CAM HALFWAY THROUGH. THANK YOU GUYS VERY MUCH FOR COMING OUT TONIGHT.

2 Replies to “Collin Moulton Chicken Stupid • Part 2 | LOLflix”

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *