Soccer Fail: When Dreams Don't Come True

Soccer Fail: When Dreams Don't Come True



HARRY CHEADLE: Well, hello. I'm Harry, and I'm a loser. Growing up, I was one of those
weird kids who would play by the dumpsters at recess and ride
the school bus by myself. But now I live in Brooklyn. I have a real job at
a real magazine. I have a bank account and
a bunch of shirts. So I figure I can go back,
revisit some of my failures, and, with a little bit of luck, turn them into successes. This is "All Around Losing"
with Harry Cheadle. You know how every youth soccer
team has that one weird kid who just kind of stands off
by himself and lets the ball go right past him? My whole team was those guys. There were a couple
guys named Carl. Prithvi, Prithvi Shankar. We could have won a math
championship with all the brains we had on my team, but,
running around, not so much. And I was part of the problem. In six years playing, I scored
exactly one goal, got hit in the nuts with a soccer ball more
times than I can count. Sometimes it would hit
me in the face. I feel kind of responsible for
a lot of the bad seasons we had, including the last
one, where we didn't win a single game. Now I've got a little bit more
self-confidence, better foot-eye coordination, so maybe
there's a chance I will actually be an all right
soccer player. But in order to not embarrass
myself, I'm going to need some coaching from an Austrian
named Gerhard. HARRY CHEADLE: Hey, Gerhard. GERHARD STOCHL: Hey. How are you? HARRY CHEADLE: I'm good. So the deal is, I'm trying
to get back into soccer. I haven't played in
like seven years. All I want to do is
impress people. GERHARD STOCHL: That exactly. HARRY CHEADLE: I don't
really care about– GERHARD STOCHL: Because
otherwise it will take 10 years. How long we got? A week? HARRY CHEADLE: Like a day. [MUSIC PLAYING] GERHARD STOCHL: I think
you did good. HARRY CHEADLE: Yeah? GERHARD STOCHL: You
got the juggling. HARRY CHEADLE: I kind
of like juggling. GERHARD STOCHL: Goalkeeping. Good penalties. Maybe a few push ups and– tonight, before the game. HARRY CHEADLE: OK. GERHARD STOCHL: And
you're ready. HARRY CHEADLE: I'm feeling
pretty nervous about this. I sat on my glasses this
morning when I woke up. My arm hurts for no reason. It's pretty cold. Practice with Gerhard went OK,
but actually playing a game is a lot different than just
kicking a ball around. So, these guys are probably
going to be a lot better than me, and I'll try not to
embarrass myself, but I always do. The first person
I met was Minh. Hey, Minh. Sort of an unofficial coach or
referee, or at least the guy who brings the jerseys. The other guys are
really friendly. I'm– MALE SPEAKER: Are those your
special soccer shoes? HARRY CHEADLE: They seem
supportive of my weird little mission. Wherever I can do the
least damage. MALE SPEAKER: Defense. HARRY CHEADLE: Defense? Yeah. And then, all of a sudden,
I was playing soccer. I've got no idea what
I'm doing here. I just was trying to follow my
man around a little bit and couldn't do that. Oh, that was probably
my fault. Sometimes I saw where I was
supposed to be way too late. Oh shit! Sometimes I'd get the ball,
purely by chance– it would just deflect off
of someone's foot– and I had to kick it. And that was just totally
impossible. Oh shit! Not very well. A little winded. [INAUDIBLE]? Yeah. Yeah, sure. It's tough to run around. I haven't run around like
that in a long time. No one was making fun of me
for being really bad. Although I could tell they
didn't want to pass it to me. I don't really know how this
works, but I'm too intimidated to ask questions. Actually, the hard part was
running for half an hour, or 45 minutes, or two days,
or whatever it was. Because I'm in really, really
bad shape, I realized. I've got to sit down,
actually. I was feeling pretty bad. I just met all these people. And my rule is don't throw
up in front of people you've just met, ever. And then a black guy started
talking, but I was also trying really hard not to throw
up at that point. MALE SPEAKER: How long
you haven't played? HARRY CHEADLE: Years. MALE SPEAKER: Really? HARRY CHEADLE: And then your
body's like, nope. This is coming up. And I was like, oh, shit. I was trying not to puke
on anyone's bag. I succeeded in that, at least. I know how to puke probably
better than I know how to play soccer. MALE SPEAKER: That's
a good thing. HARRY CHEADLE: What? MALE SPEAKER: Once all
that's out, you're going to play better. HARRY CHEADLE: Oh, shit. And then I puked again. HARRY CHEADLE: Jesus. That's how my life
usually goes. I gave the guys some orange
slices, and I hope that kind of patched things up. I was like, here, not only did I
puke, but I brought you some vitamin C. Nothing like a good orange
slice, right? And I kept playing, at least. I'm glad I didn't bitch out. I did try to bitch out. MINH NGO: You only
played what? 30 minutes? HARRY CHEADLE: I'm really
out of shape. MINH NGO: You have one
more game in you. HARRY CHEADLE: All right. One more. Even though I was bad, and I had
just thrown up, Minh was like, come on, get in
there and play. And that was nice. During the last play of that
game, no one was paying attention to me– probably for good reason. I got the ball, and I'm looking
at the goal, and I kicked the ball pretty hard– Sorry. It went right to the goalie,
but it was a shot on goal. MALE SPEAKER: [INAUDIBLE],
just nail it in. HARRY CHEADLE: I probably would
have thrown up again if I had made that goal. I think this situation was about
a 70% failure, mostly because of the puking. Honestly, you don't feel good
when you puke in front of other people. I've lost this one. Just like I lost the ones
when I was a kid. Same feeling. Keep looking. Keep looking for redemption. And I guess that's what
I'm going to do. It wasn't that bad out
there, though. Maybe I could– if I practiced– get a little better at
soccer, I think. But I'm not sure I will because,
honestly, I remember all those times, my favorite
part of the soccer game was when it's over. And you're in the car, and you
get to go home and take your shin guards off. So that's what I enjoyed most
about it, was stopping it. Is that good? MALE SPEAKER: No. Keep going. [MUSIC PLAYING]

47 Replies to “Soccer Fail: When Dreams Don't Come True”

  1. Dude I'm telling you this from experience when they "don't want to pass it to you" it's not bc they're being mean it's bc you're not open

  2. People need to stop calling soccer this is just offensive even as American we need the right term and the correct word. It's Football. American Football is not even play with foot the only play that involve foot is field goal. The second thing is it's not even a ball it's not the right shape.

  3. Harry is great and this makes me look like I'm fucking Pele.
    EVERYONE: WRITE VICE AND FUCKING DEMAND MORE "ALL AROUND LOSING" EPISODES!!!!! WTF

  4. LMAO ! At the end hes walking , and turns around , and says is that good ? no ? Keep going ? I love this guy !!

  5. no athleticism at all. if this were the ancient times where we hunted for our food, you would die of starvation

  6. You can't just learn how to play in a day…. need at least a month of playing at least 4 times a week and you can than actually be able to control and pass the ball… without that it's useless…. but to be honest I've played with people who aren't good footballers and when we laugh or wtv when they screw up we aren't laughing at them it's jokes no cares if you are good or bad at football….. it's like everything else if you want it you go after it and if you really want it you achieve it

  7. GreenFish is right. You dont talk about that cus ppl get there money from adds and that's what they live on so turn that off, please

  8. "where do you play" "where ever i could do least damage" "play defense" thats the dumbest fucking thing ive ever heard.. if someone is in experienced dont put them in a position thats supposed to prevent goals and prevent losing. idiot americans.

  9. yeah that photo is so awesome and a real great depiction of everything that machoism and ultimately homophobia is REALLY about

  10. This was actually great. One of the better Vices out there. What did you expect when you clicked on this? anyhoo, takes a big man to admit his failures and he did it with a lot of humor too!

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *